


Heaven takes away those who must be taken away

by Yresim



Category: Nirvana (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28959378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yresim/pseuds/Yresim
Summary: The most quietest night of my life...
Relationships: Kurt Cobain/Krist Novoselic
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Heaven takes away those who must be taken away

It seems that time has stopped and will never go on at the same pace. Fussy people no longer walk the streets, each with their own stream of thoughts and concerns. Nor can I hear their animated conversations, which usually haunt me wherever I go. Now all these people are hiding in their cozy fortress houses, not wanting to communicate with the outside world. They are all afraid of the night, consider it something terrible, with which you can not in any case get involved. I feel as if this time of day is my best friend, that the night is the only one to whom you can trust all your feelings and not feel any responsibility for your words. With its arrival, it takes away most of the extraneous sounds that make it so difficult to focus on yourself. Only occasionally a lone car passes with a noise, breaking this ominous silence, but this does not interfere, but on the contrary, calms.

From the roof of a multi-storey building, the entire night city is visible at a glance. You feel like a small grain of sand in this whole giant world, and your heart is so lonely from all this.

However, my best friend, Krist, is also sitting next to me, dangling his long legs over the edge of the roof, ready to keep me company at any time, for which I am so grateful.   
Usually this guy is incredibly cheerful, a lot of words come out of his mouth, but now he, like me, was absorbed by this alarming calm. He calmly finishes his pack of cigarettes, only glancing at me occasionally, as if to make sure I'm all right. I wonder what he's thinking right now. Are his thoughts filled with depressive motives, or maybe he's just tired?

The cold air passes freely through the lungs along with the dense tobacco smoke, and all this turns into an invigorating mixture that drives all sleep away. I didn't even think about the fact that I needed to rest. Instead, I'm lost in my own thoughts, dreaming of better times and how things could have been different. What if those disgusting pains in my stomach had gone away and I didn't have to inject so much heroin? I'm afraid I wouldn't have been able to write my own music at all. But would I be happy then?

I always dream of something like this, even now, in the deep darkness, in which you can only make out the approximate silhouettes of objects.

In such a dark blue sky, numerous stars are clearly visible, illuminating everything around with their yellowish light. These are people who have died a variety of deaths. Somewhere here on earth, all their loved ones miss them and cry, sincerely wishing for their return, and some of these people died, suffocating in their own loneliness, thinking only about how helpless and pathetic they are.

The number of these heavenly bodies is impossible to count, because every day they become more and more and we will all eventually become stars. Dim or bright-it will not be so important.   
But in any case, the story of our lives will definitely be put to an end, and no matter how sad the end is, there can be no other outcome. So fate decided.

But sometimes even dreams do not help to avoid reality. How many talented and purposeful people have been crushed by the unfair abyss of life? They, too, dreamed and believed in the best, tried to be meaningful to this world, but life was cruel to them.

Dreams won't help you if you're scared. Scared that you don't know what your future will look like. That's the state I'm in right now. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'm tired of all this. I can no longer experience all these endless emotions that mercilessly suffocate me for days on end. I don't feel like I belong in this world full of terrible things.

And while other people patiently live on and even find some ways to be happy, I just want to end all this and never suffer again, because my ways of becoming happy have long since failed, leaving me alone with myself and the thought of dying stored in my soul. And these seemingly delusional ideas and judgments are not caused by drugs or anything like that, all this is the real me, my true and living emotions.

I need to rest, just rest.

In search of calm, I adjust the sleeves of my battered knit sweater and turn my attention to the impressive panoramic view from the roof: the same rarely passing cars, which are almost the only sign that all people are alive, just plunged into a night's sleep, the same pair of multi-storey buildings opposite and numerous small lights that fill the entire city with their light. Yes, there are definitely several hundred meters from my swaying legs to the road spreading all over the city, and at the moment it seems so right to just jump off from here right now, because the height is definitely enough to crash. And then all this shit in my life will finally end.

The mere thought of such a huge height and the fact that my legs are already mostly hanging from the roof makes my head slightly dizzy, and soon to this is added the excitement of sudden suicidal thoughts that overtook my mind quite unexpectedly. Yes, I definitely need help.

I run my eyes around and my gaze involuntarily clings to the same quiet Krist, as if he is my only salvation. Although, in truth, he is the only reason I haven't had my head blown off by a gun yet, because this man has always tried to help me, absolutely every day he has spoken true words of support to me, and has been there for me every fucking second when he was needed. And I didn't even bother to check once to see if he was all right! Because Krist will not talk about his problems at will, and it is quite likely that behind his imperturbable appearance there is a real moral pain, but he does not want other people, even those closest to him, to know about his feelings.

I'm afraid of making it worse. Perhaps I should not jump to conclusions and think that it is easier to lose everything at once than to struggle with all the difficulties, even if not alone. I need to think more about my loved ones, because no matter how useless my life is in my opinion, these people really love me and deep down they are worried that they may lose me.

This hopelessness torments me, because I am not at all sure that I am doing everything as it should be. Making every difficult decision becomes even more difficult when you question every action you take. And because of this, a certain control over yourself is constantly formed: you need to think through all the possible consequences of your action in your head, and if you do not do this, be prepared for an unintended outcome.

But now I can no longer observe the limits set by myself, and the only thing I want now is to rest and even forget myself for the shortest time.

A pack of some cheap cigarettes has long been over, and with it a strong desire to stay awake, and under the influence of fatigue from the last thoughts, my head seems to fall slowly on the shoulder of Krist sitting very close to me, my eyelids fall heavily and I am about ready to fall asleep. A long, strong arm embraces me from behind, and from this simple action, all the warmth that exists in the world accumulates in my soul, as if with this gesture, Krist has solved all the problems in the world at once and nothing will be so important as to continue to feel his touch. He didn't say a word for all this long time, but he felt everything: both my pensive hopelessness and justified hope for support. Krist care about my condition, even if he can't figure out what's going on in my head. Although, even I myself am not in the power to do this, but now it is fading into the background.

Before I begin to dream of far-off fantastic times and hopes that will never come true, my thoughts involuntarily form into a summary of everything that I felt that night. Not today, but someday I, too, will become a bright star in this vast sky and will look down on this whole vile and dirty world, in which there is nothing good left.

Because heaven takes away those who must be taken away.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for this ugliness. I just needed to vent my emotions somewhere.  
> But if you liked it, then that's great!


End file.
